Pat Boone withdraws from race for the White House.
Today, I announce I’m suspending my campaign for president of the United States.
I choose this day because I love my country, and this is the best way I can manifest my deep devotion to her.
This announcement will surprise many, I’m sure, because nobody knew I was running. I’ve purposely kept it secret, waiting for the most dynamic, effective moment. I had decided that the best moment would be one week before the actual election, when the whole citizenry would be in absolute despair, realizing at last there were only two choices – and that either would assure the dissolution of America as we’ve known her. Voters would be swearing they wouldn’t vote for either party or candidate, and the airlines would be swamped with people fighting for the last available seats for New Zealand.
I would then burst on the scene, declaring myself willing and able and available, offering myself as the only reasonable alternative to national self-destruction. I’m the ultimate political “outsider,” owing nothing to anybody and endorsed by no one – no enemies, no record of anything and no controversial policies.
I would appeal to seniors, because I’m even older than Bernie Sanders. I would capture the youth vote, because I came in singing rock and roll, and my campaign song is “Tutti Frutti.” Even Snoop Dog said in one of his songs “all the girls love Pat Boone,” and that’s the highest validation young people today, especially black rappers and their fans, could ask for. My candidate for vice president would be Lady Gaga, so that would sew up the female vote.
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